I Just Can't
by Kawaii Kuudere
Summary: Sometimes the time loops and Jonas don't go exactly as Alex expected. Alex and Jonas, Alex/Jonas, AlexXJonas Image thanks to: SirinAnari on Deivantart


Alex doesn't need to turn at the sound of approaching footsteps, doesn't even react, because she already knows it's him. With his familiar shuffle and comforting scent of smoke, how could she not? One timeline was enough, yet she's had a hundred to become accustomed to Jonas and all his quirks, so how could she not?

Jonas comes into her line of sight, saying something she can't even begin to comprehend. His brown hair remains askew without its regular beanie and his eyes remain so green, so filled with concern. Concern for her, she realizes.

She wants to stop the butterflies in her stomach at his expression- just wants them to go away, because that's not normal.

What is normal anymore, though?

Time breaking into thousands of pieces is not normal. Waking up to a brother that died so many loops ago, only to have him die again the next day is not normal. And yet, all of these have become normal to Alex' every day life, so why should liking your sometimes best friend sometimes stepbrother be any less not normal.

From behind her she can hear the faint crackle of the fire, and whispers between her- their friends. Michael, as he usually is in this twisted loop, is sitting beside Clarissa on 'their log' as she likes to call it. Ren stands near Nona, trying to catch her attention, yet failing. All of them oblivious to what only she knows.

She never thought she'd want normal back so much as she did then, because then she could be regular Alex. Naive Alex. The Alex that didn't wait for the inevitable restart and the Alex that didn't watch the world repeat again and again. The Alex that didn't have to watch the ones she loved forget everything while she remembered.

How could she be so surrounded by the ones she loved and still be so alone?

"Alex?" Jonas murmurs, finally breaking her from her revery. She focuses on him again, his face so close. She needs to step back, keep the distance between them. Needs to convince herself why this is so wrong.

She doesn't move.

"Hm?" She murmurs, finally responding to his gentleshoulder shakes and whispered calls.

"You were spacing out again.."

She only nods in acknowledgement, not bothering to respond to the statement she's heard so many times.

The distance doesn't lessen, and she can't help but take comfort in the calming hand on her shoulder. She's so close to him. Just one slight movement..

And then the next day he won't remember anything. She should be happy that he won't, right? She can express these feelings without ruining their relationship. She couldn't find it in herself to follow through, despair being outcome.

He turns then, looking out at the ocean, curiosity appearing yet not quite replacing the concern in his eyes, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, Jonas. You can ask me anything." Alex answers automatically, glancing up at him.

When she sees the hesitance in his eyes, she nudges him playfully with her elbow, "C'mon, Jonas. No need to hold back, I promise I won't call you crazy, as crazy as you already are." 'Because I've seen and been through the craziest shit with you, but you can't remember a thing because of those stupid time loops.' She wanted to add, but decided against it.

Still cautious, he waits a few minutes, eyes still roaming the ocean for an answer he can't find. He finally breathes out and whispers almost to himself, "Do you ever get a sense of deja vu? Like, a sense of doing something you've done before?"

YES! She wanted to scream. Wanted to ask if he remembered. If he remembered everything they've been through. Wanted to cry and thank every kind of god she could think of. She couldn't, though.

Through a suddenly dry throat, she replies, "Yes."

It hangs between them, ominous and dark. So much to say, yet no words coming out.

She hears herself blurt her line of thoughts, "Do you... remember anything?"

No response. Did he not understand? Did he think she was crazy for even asking?

She feels the arm on her shoulder, warm and inviting, as they reel her into a hug so comfortable and familiar that she instantly wraps her own arms around him. She didn't even know she needed this until it happened, starved to for once in these fucking loops feel like she wasn't the only one.

The hug said all he wasn't saying with words, conveying what he could only give right now.

She can't control the tears that well up, nor the sudden words that spill from where they've been locked up for so long, behind barbed fences and iron containers, "No one remembers. No one, Jonas. It's so fucking hard having to repeat everything again, having to watch the people you love die again and again and keep going through it day after day with no one to talk to, because they'd all think you're just fucking crazy. It- it just- it sucks,"

She continued without even realizing, "I can't even tell you I like you, without dreading the consequences of waking up and you not even remembering the next day. I can't go through that. I can't. "

Her sobs turn to whimpers as she tries, tries to calm herself while clenching the back of his jacket into her fist, her face buried into his chest, because she's too much of a coward to look up at his expression and only see disgust.

She imagines his next actions, tensing up and pushing her away. Losing the only person who has an idea of what she'd been going through again and again, just because she couldn't keep these feelings to herself.

Her cries finally stop, and she's left to breath in his scent and feel his very warm embrace, basking in it, before she finds the courage to unburrow her face and look up, ready to accept the rejection.

She doesn't even have time to comprehend his sudden proximity or see his expression, before she feels his lips on her.

Everything becomes heightened as their lips meld together, placing them into a bubble of their own. Like a fire that spreads quickly or the sudden zap of an electric fence, the kiss sends tingles down her spine. She can taste the cigarettes she hates so much. Right now, she's loving them.

The gentle kiss finally comes to an end and she's left gasping like a fish out of water because fuck it was amazing and she just can't find her breath. Between her gasping, though she hears him murmur, "I like you, too." She's on cloud 9, finally forgetting the forbidding time loops and childish ghosts. For once she's in the present with Jonas, her head once again resting on his chest.

From her jacket pocket, crackling laughter seeps through from the small radio.


End file.
